Sex toys and the pursuit of orgasm
Sex toys for women have evolved dramatically in the last 50 years. From crudely designed and noisy dildos, on the whole kept hidden, handled with embarrassment and rarely shared with partners, they have, largely, through women taking a lead in their design, become stylish, discreet, quiet and widely accepted as an enhancement of sexual enjoyment by women on their own and with their partners.
For the 10% to 15% of women who would never have had an orgasm and the 75% of women who would never reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone (i.e. without the help of tongue or hand), sex toys offer a marvellous opportunity. Effective and aesthetically pleasing sex toys meet the needs of many otherwise unsatisfied women.
For many women, a simple, deep tissue massager will be ideal, packing a powerful punch. At the other extreme, Lelo and several other companies have developed what they call sensonic technology. Without even needing to make direct contact with the clitoris it delivers waves of pleasure that result in a very satisfying orgasm. Although designed for women, many men love it too.
Is chasing orgasm a distraction from intimacy and emotional connection?
How important is the orgasm that these devices release? It might not be such a good thing for getting to orgasm to become the focus of attention. Most men have the admirable desire to please their partner and most women have the understandable desire to experience all the pleasures of sex enjoyed by others. But chasing orgasms, especially with a machine, and especially if one or other of a couple is in a hurry to get finished, can become a distraction from the intimacy of sex and the emotional connection of your relationship, which would be a pity.
The need for emotional connection
Sex is ultimately about intimacy and emotional connection. It’s about two people getting in tune with each other, discovering the pleasures given by each other’s bodies, finding acceptance and affirmation in the trust and openness of intimacy. Good sex is not just having orgasms just as not having orgasms is not necessarily bad sex. Turning on a sex toy to hurry to orgasm is not necessarily good sex either. The challenge for couples is discovering the pleasure they can give each other, whether with orgasms or with sex toys or by any other means.
Take time and pay attention to your partner
Possibly the more we rely on a short cut to orgasm, the less we will take the time to enjoy exploring each other’s pleasures and sharing our own. So, we give three cheers for sex toys and long may couples delight in sharing them but they are no substitute for taking the time and paying the attention that can deepen the intimacy and emotional connection between you.
Become Yourself specialises in teaching intimacy and connection
We want to encourage and help couples to explore the pleasure of their relationship by focusing on the emotional connection and intimacy they can share, which, of course, includes sex but also much more than simply achieving orgasm.
Discovering how you, as a couple, can try out different ways of relating to each other by exploring the balance of power between you, giving and taking control. Finding how even slight variations in position, pressure and speed can make a massive difference in the sensations you give and receive. Finding out how different textures and materials feel as part of your touch. Shedding any shyness and self consciousness in using your voice and words to conjure a different mood and atmosphere.
None of this and all of this can be a preliminary to orgasm but it will certainly have a powerful influence, deepening your connection and intimacy.