Self help in 5 steps
Relationship difficulties very often cause problems with sex and sex problems very often cause relationship difficulties. Here are the first 5 steps you can take to help yourself and your partner overcome problems with sex and your relationship.
Problems with sex are usually psychological and indicate an underlying problem in the relationship which needs to be understood if it is to be sorted out. But of course there can be physical causes for problems with sex and, if there are, it’s important to deal with them first.
Take problems for men, for example. Some illnesses can affect the nerves and blood vessels of the penis to make erections impossible. These would include diabetes, heart disease and high cholesterol. In women, urine infection and other diseases of the vagina or womb such as cancer can make sex too painful or otherwise impossible. The first step if you suspect there may be a physical cause, is to get checked by a doctor.
However, if you are generally healthy and a physical check up doesn’t reveal a cause, then the problem is likely to be psychological. Once you have had a physical cause excluded by being checked over by a doctor, here are the first 5 steps of couples therapy that you can follow to start to work out what the problem with sex is:
- Overcome problems with sex by stopping trying to have sex
This may be the hardest thing to do because it seems not to make sense. Why should stopping having sex help you to overcome problems with sex? But the point of this is to get back to the basics of intimacy in your relationship and work up from there to successful and pleasurable sex. Sex is simply an extreme form of intimacy and good sex depends on enjoying a physical relationship with your partner. At this stage in couples therapy you need to simplify things and find out how good you can be at simply enjoying physical closeness together.
Intimacy in a relationship starts with good communication followed by enjoyable non-sexual touch. That’s the foundation on which you will build a good sex life. So the first step in couples therapy is to make sure you are communicating well and enjoying being physically close to each other, without complicating it by having actual sex. If you can do that well, then good sex will follow.
- Make time to be with your partner
You need as much time as you can find in the week to be with your partner in privacy, comfortable surroundings and warmth. Ideally sessions of intimacy should be three times a week for a couple of hours. In a busy life that may be impossible but you won’t overcome problems with sex unless you spend some intimate time together. Both of you will need to show willing and do your best. If your relationship is important to you both, then it’s worth prioritizing solving problems with sex over other things.
- Invite your partner to spend time with you
Take turns to invite your partner to spend these sessions with you, agreeing in advance when, where and for how long. Both of you should make these invitations. Don’t leave it to one of you to do it. Take turns.
- Make yourselves comfortable
During these sessions you can be as dressed or naked as you like. The less dressed the better but you need to feel comfortable and you must not dress to be sexually alluring. This is couples therapy for your relationship and not only about having sex.
- Touch, stroke or hold each other
The person who has made the invitation takes the lead to start with. The person who takes the lead is going to touch, stroke or hold their partner in ways that the partner finds comfortable and enjoyable. You must not make the touching sexual – no genital touching, no breasts, no deliberately turning your partner on. You can kiss.
You need to watch your partner to try to work out whether what you are doing is comfortable and enjoyable – ask if you need to. Your partner must help you by telling you what they like or don’t like. They can tell you to touch them differently; harder, softer, faster, slower or perhaps with more attention to what you are doing – more mindfulness. You should try to adapt how you are touching according to what you are told and both of you must try to find a way to enjoy it. You are not doing it right until you are both enjoying it.
After half the time agreed for the session is up, you swap roles and the person who has been stroked, now does the stroking and the same rules apply.
You must not allow yourselves to have sex, even if you get aroused. You can enjoy being aroused but you must not give in to the temptation of sexual touching.
If things went well
Once you successfully manage a week or two of this exercise, you will be on your way to overcoming problems with sex. It’s time to move on towards something a bit more sexual but to succeed you may still need professional couples therapy input. You can be very pleased with yourselves for having managed so far and to have created a good foundation on which further couples therapy can help you overcome your problems with sex but don’t be shy about asking for help to move on from here. What that professional input will involve will depend on the problem that’s been affecting you as a couple, but you have a good prospect of success
If it did not go well
If things have not gone well, you need to know that that’s extremely common. The 5 steps to start to overcome problems with sex may sound simple but most couples get it wrong well before they get to stage 6, so don’t feel bad if you are one of them. Couples often fail to both take turns to invite the other to sessions or maybe they have no sessions at all. Often they can’t find a way to be comfortable or enjoy simply touching each other. Often, they give in to temptation and have sex. Often they simply give up and their problems with sex continue.
It is very difficult to analyse for yourself why it’s proving hard to overcome problems with sex. It can be equally difficult to point out to your partner what their problems are without causing trouble between you. That’s why professional couples therapy is so helpful. It now may be time to allow an independent expert to work with you to understand and overcome your difficulties.
Get professional help
Emma and I would be very pleased to help you overcome problems with sex. We bring both a male and female perspective and a non-judgemental, relaxed and open minded approach to our couples therapy. Get in touch and let us see how we can help.
